Ahhhhrghrgh!!

I had a bit of a "where is my life" going days. I finished my last exam on Wednesday (which was yesterday) and already I am wondering if I am a failure because I have no job lined up for January, no volunteer position (I have not volunteered since 2006), etc.
I spend the day at hope, so naturally I spent it in my head OBSESSING and OVER ANALYZING.
So I already felt a little blah. Then I could hear my mother two rooms down from me on the phone and it did not sound good.
Background: my mother, growing up was a bit of a ticking time bomb. Sometimes things would just set her off and when she was mad or angry or whatevs it was like walking on eggshells. 3 years ago something happened, we figured out what was causing this and she has been getting better since. I know this is as vague as possible, but that is all I can comfortably say.

So it turns out she was on the phone with my sis, who lives in another city. Next month we are flying up to go to this event for my sis, b/c it is an important day in her career. So my mother was getting irrational worked up about something, my sis was on speaker phone and all three of us were talking (not arguing). I think my mum is being unreasonable, but I am sooooo not surprise by this reaction to this seemingly insignificant thing that might happen and that is not inherently a bad thing. When the telephone conversation ended, I made a random comment and my mother angrily responded "don't tell me what/how I should feel/act/do" or something along those lines.
Then she started to do her rejection cry. She feels "rejected" and this event has set off the bomb.

The point of this, it is 7:30pm, I am feeling bad/frustrated/demotivated and I don't want to work out. So I gave myself permission not to work out. And than I told myself, “this situation is mild compared to other stressful things that occur in your life. If you skip your walk because of this, how are you going to deal with the real stressful stuff.” So I walked, at a slightly slower pace, but I walked.

I love my mother, but sometimes I wish she was "better" or "normal". I wish I did not have to worry when the next bomb might be or if she will ever get better. If she'll get jealous of my boyfriend or friend (my mum has a problem with my sis friend, lets call her Amy). I think she feels threatened by her. Really, I think she does not like the time my sis spends with her.

One of the things she got upset about. My mum works at a bank and Amy is going to the UK. My sis asks my mum if she(my sis) gives her(my mum) money (we have joint accounts, so getting the money is not hard) if she could buy Amy some British pounds. Context: our mother does things like this for us allll the time b/c she works at a bank. However, this apparently pissed my mother off, having to do a favour for Amy. Sometimes I'm just like whatever; I just have to stand back and watch her anger pass.

Safe to say, I am looking forward to moving in September. Mainly because I feel like when I am at home, I feel like I am a sphere being shoved into a box, and it does not quite fit. I know I have to power and capability to be myself regardless of the situation but given our complex history, when I live at home I have to temporarily put a part of me on the shelf and let dust collect. I am not complaining; if it was really, truly awful I'd leave and move out (regardless of my financial situation) but it is days like this I wonder what our future holds (by our I mean the dynamics between me my mum and sis).

Its no wonder I was an emotional eater (my attempt at a lame joke).

I hope you've enjoyed wading around in my head. Kinda like a labyrinth I know ;)

I have an interview tomorrow!!! Wish me luck!!!!