U-Turn

Ok, I've hit my threshold. After using food as punishment, reward, and comfort and slacking off on exercise the past few weeks, I've hit my threshold.

I am going to do a week by week comparison so you can see my journey.

Apr 1 Apr 8 Apr 15 Apr 22 Sep 24/08
Weight: 189.5 191 192 197 191.5
Waist: 32 32.25 32.75 33 33
Belly Button: 36.25 36.5 37.25 38.25 37.75
Hips: 44.75 44.5 44.75 45 44.75

On the 81th and 15th I was not concerned because it was just a few downs. But this week I gained 5 lbs in 1 week. That is enough for me to clearly see what I've been subjecting my body to. I will keep comparing myself to Sept 24/08 until I surpass it again.

I went to a spin class last night to jolt my body back into gear, and it helped. That and watching the biggest loser really helped. Tara's strength and determination is amazing!!!!!!! I am going to get a picture of her and put it on my mirror. Remind myself the strength that everyone of us has.

I was going a bit to extreme, I need to find that moderate balance. I think the new workout schedule and burning 2400 calories a week will work.

1.5lb/wk 185 by June 17
2.0lb/wk 181 by June 17
2.5lb/wk 177 by June 17

Since I am taking it 10lbs at a time (sort of, this goal I am taking it 12 lbs). I am focusing on 185. If I stay with 1.5, I'll be 167-157 by Sept 9th. If I have a few 3 lb weeks and the odd 4 lbs weeks, that is fine. But losing weight while doing CASB is all about patience. This is for the rest of my life.......I can be patient.

Fear took over me. And one of the things I was afraid of was putting weight on but not being able to stop and get back to being healthy. I am not my old me. I am my new me. Acknowledge my feelings and fears, treat my body with respect and embrace the moment.

I need to shower and get to work. Everyone be well!!!

Buddy

I need a buddy. As much as I like this blog, I need someone to respond and I need to listen and learn from.

My previous Jillian buddy went MIA.

A new buddy will come, soon. In time.

Return...

It has been a looooong time.

I have been stressed and then I lost my way for the past few weeks.

With CASB starting in May, I've had to rethink my workouts. In order to handle everything, I need to scale down my workouts. So this is my new workout schedule. To burn 2400 calories

Sun 500 - Swim
Mon 300 - Walk
Tues 300 - Strength
Wed 500 - Walk, Incline
Thurs 300 - Strength
Fri 0
Sat 500 - Tae Bo

I am trying to scale down the intensity in order to manage everything.

And I have put on weight. I am getting on track.

Out

I feel I am getting out of my slump.

I woke up feeling better and I still feel better. My diet is improving but I still need work.

My exercise has slumped. With this week of exams, my goal this week will be to exercise on Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday. And I am just focusing on this week.

And for Jillian's workouts I am going to modify them. Today during studying, I was feeling a bit lethagic and I wanted to get my blood pumping. The treadmill is broken and I did not feel like doing a workout video. So instead I went on a walk. And during my walk, an idea flashed through my thoughts.....how about dancing. I like dancing so I figured I could use that at the end of my workout and it worked. My heart beat was above 150 and got as high as 170. So next time I do Jillian's workouts, I am going to do the workout moves but mixed in with dancing. I will try it tomorrow morning....I'll let you know how it works.

I think this dancing-workout will be the thing to get me through this slump (and this week of exams). Wish me luck!!

Be well!!!

Today's Horoscope

http://www.ediets.com/astrology/
Try to see today's turnaround as a new beginning -- your attitude is all that could possibly hold you back! Once you see that your possibilities are nearly endless, you should be just fine.

Dep.....

I've sunk into a mini-depression. It feels more like a lull than anything. Holidays + studying = mini-dep.

It explains my eating habits the past few days. And it gets perpetuated by the voice in my head!!!!

So best thing to do, ignore that voice.

My goals for this weekend
1) ignore the voice in my head
2) study
3) exercise
4) eat healthy

Solid goals if I do say so myself.

Be well!!

Fear

From this moment, I am honest with myself.

Honestly, I have a fear of being thin and healthy. And I completely acknowledge it. The only way I am going to get through it, is to embrace it. And with that, I just set my alarm for 4:30am and going for an early morning workout. Maybe run, maybe Jillian workout.

And I am eating bread again. I need to eat it in small doses to avoid inhaling in large doses.

No deadlines, no judgement....just me. I accept me, I accept my fear.

Be well!!

My Cooking is Better than Swiss Chalet

So it is official, I am under eating. Over the past week I've had a lot of fast food. It is rooted in the fact that I think I've been under-eating and an emotional part that I had a hard time coping with being in the 180s. I know it s a hard thing to believe, but I think before my identity was tide up in "being obese" in "being the fat girl" and "not being attractive". I've held on to this labels I created for myself, that I've perpetuated.

After having chocolate covered almonds, Dairy Queen (chicken strip basket and a blizzard), Swiss Chalet, etc. I am realizing I need to accept my present moment as is without the labels. Whether I am 189 or 135 I am still be. I can still be present in this moment.

And the bottom line, I am worthy of my best. Are you worthy of your best?

Be well!!!

Panic

In the midst of being in the 180s and meeting up with my future colleagues (which brought up of fears of eating something healthy at supper and some of my old social anxieties).

I engaged in a food binge. My mind created emotional worries which caused me to feel hungrier than I usually am and that manifested into me eating junk food.

I have stilled my mind so as a result my appetite has soothed. I feel good, but still having a timing issue with workouting.

The balance between working out, studying, sleeping, and eating before workouts. I need to accept this dilemma before I can found a solution for it.

I hope all is well. Be well!

reflection

I find myself wondering about myself. Reflecting on my journey. This 189.5 is symbolic of many things. It is a marker on my journey to being. But really you cannot journey to being, but you just have to be. Ok, what I am trying to say is the awareness that I have now is different than the last time I was 189.5 So that leads me into this question.....when was the last time I was 189.5?

2002 - September I was in the 140s
2003 - I was in the 150s
2004 - Fall I was in the 170s at UBC
2005 - Summer, I was in the 190s
2006 -
2007 - In April, before I left, I was about 225-230. That was my highest
2008 - I was in the 190s

So the last time I was in the 180s was early-mid 2005. That means I was 20 years old. That was 4 years ago.

One thing I learned from Jillian is that I being angry with the person that was a few weeks, a few months, a few years ago is futile. Really, that person got me to be here in this moment. What I am learning from Tolle is that this moment is all I have. Holding on to past resentment or anger has no function.

What I can do is surrender to this moment. I've always thought of surrendering as something weak or futile. What purposes does hating my 189.5 body serve? What purposes does believing my life will be magically better at 135 serve? What purposes does hating my 225 body?

I am in this moment. Are you?

Be well!!!!

Happy Face

For the past few days I have not worked out. I have an assignment do this week and instead of getting up early, the past two days I've decided to sleep in instead. I have been stellar about my eating to make sure I stay on the right track.

And today is weigh in day.

Weight: 189.5 (↓ 4 lbs)
Waist: 32 (↓ 0.25 inches)
Belly Button: 36.25 (↓ 0.75 inches)
Hips: 44.75 (↓ 0.25 inches)
Calories burned (total): 1621 2212 (↓ 530 calories)

I am in the 180s!!!!!! I did it!!!!!!!! And now that I am 189.5, I am no longer obese. I am just overweight......just ;) So to get to a healthy weight, I have 30 lbs to go!!!! So that is 15-20 weeks away that is July 15-August 19. That seems tangible and within my grip.

If I was on X-Weighted, this is my half way point and my stats would be
Lost
Bust ↓ 4 inches
Waist ↓ 3.75 inches
Hips ↓ 3.25 inches
Lbs ↓ 24.5 lbs

Not bad, I am at peace with my body right now.

I hope everyone is doing well and striving for their goals!

Stay well!!!!