Good Day

So I had a good day today.

I ran 2km (the run I should have done yesterday) 5min warm-up and cool down with a 6 min run, 1 min walk, 6 min run, 1 min walk and 5 min run at 4.1 mph. It really feels good to run.

A few hours later I did a in home walking video. I'm a little embarrassed, I think its designed for people who have a hard time exercising. I realized that I love the treadmill for running, but for walking I get bored on the treadmill. I know if I want to be successful of walking everyday on top of my runs and strength training, then I need to mix it up. So if I do two of my crazy/dance walks, and two of the in home walking videos and 3 treadmill walks, that should keep me entertained.

I know I could walk outdoors, but I dislike walking in my neighbourhood. When I move to downtown Vancouver, I am going to look forward to walking and running more outside and getting a bike. But for now, the treadmill and indoor walking will do.

And I did some strength training. On the Real Age website, there are strength training videos by Joel Harper. I like his videos because you either need just yourself (no runners or anything) or the one I did (and enjoyed) uses tubing. I only have one band of tube, so I need to get at least one more, but it was good. I did 14 mins and I can feel it in my body.

I had a good day, a good way to start the new year, so I am looking forward to seeing my improvements and progress the next few weeks. And I just finished watching an episode of X-Weighted and it is good to see people on their journey.

I chose to stay in and have a mellow NYE. I am glad I am starting it healthy!!! Enjoy the rest of your year ;).

New Year?

I survived the holiday season but not at the expense of my waist. I had a particularly bad day yesterday, but that does not take away from my results today. I need to make a change. It has finally gotten absurd.

Weight: 214 (↑ 7.5 lbs)
Waist: 36 (↑ 1.25 inches)
Belly Button: 40 (no change)
Hips: 48 (↑ 1 inch)
Calories burned (through cardio): 779 (↓ 525)

This is more than unfortunate.

Good news, I have a goal and I do well with goals. I am doing the TC race on April 26th and I've already planned out my training schedule. And I start my schedule on Friday, a 2 week course starts and then classes start next week. I do so much better when I am on a schedule, so although I've gained, it does not really upset me.

I now my goals are reached in the future. I now I am at a healthy weight with a healthy and active lifestyle. And it is all about making the first step today.

So today I run and walk.

I ready to do this for real.

On another note, I am still trying to work out the finances for Europe. What I am going to do is to stop thinking about it for 2 weeks, and then, hopefully, I'll see a solution will arise.

I'll do am update post later today. Even the rest of the year ;)

Christmas = Chocolate DNE Loosing Weight

Today was weigh in day.

Weight: 206.5 (↑ 1.5 lbs)
Waist: 34.75 (↓.75 inches)
Belly Button: 40 (↑ 0.5 inches)
Hips: 47 (↑ 0.25 inches)
Calories burned (through cardio): 1596 (↑ 292)

Last week I only burned 1304 calories and I gained 2lbs, so this 1.5 gain could be seen as an improvement ;)

Seriously though. I am proud that I am exercising more and that I running more (yesterday I ran for 27 mins + 5 min warm up and 5 min cool down) and I now that once I am back to running 4-5 time a week and walking on the other days with regular strength training, and getting +5 servings of fruits and veggies things will come together. But training to actually loose weight over the holidays is ridiculous. For me, the holidays means over eating and lots and lots and lots of chocolate. I actually told my family that I do not want any chocolate as a stocking stuffer, but I have eaten so much chocolate on my own over the past few weeks (once you deny yourself something that is allllllll you want). I should have just focused on moderation.

And I've had a very laissez-faire attitude with my exercise. Last night I was reading an interview given by the most recent Biggest Loser and she mentioned that you have to exercise whether you want to or not. A simple thing, but I made me realize that I've been exercising only when I want to. Not having a schedule does not help, so for that I am gratefully my H&R Block course starts on the 2nd and college starts on the 8th (really the 9th since I am going to a concert on the 8th). That will help. And I have been cooking (well I made soup once on Saturday, and it was healthy and delicious. I forgot how great it tastes to make great tasting food.

The weight gain is not great but not surprising. And I am glad that I am getting into my groove of working out and exercising. I am going to try and maintain my weight for the next week. Tomorrow is christmas, but because we have to go to Vancouver to pick up my sis (thank you Air Canada http://www.vancouversun.com/Snowfall+wipes+majority+flights+from+Calgary+Vancouver/1112245/story.html) The official day of gluttony will probably be on Friday. Saturday will be left overs and by Sunday I'll be back to being über-healthy.

My weight goal is 5 lbs a month, so by the end of 2009 I'll be down 60lbs. So my weight should be as follows
Jan 206
5lbs 6lbs 8lbs
Feb 201 200 198
Mar 196 194 190
Apr 191 188 182
May 186 182 174
Jun 181 176 166
Jul 176 170 158
Aug 171 164 150
Sep 166 158 142
Oct 161 152 134
Nov 156 146 134
Dec 151 140 134

That means by my graduation, I'll be 176-181 and by the time I head to Europe I'll be 170-176. Now, it I am stellar, I'll be a comfortable swimsuit weight by the time I head to Europe (a 158) but honestly, my bottomline is to be fit and healthy by the time I start work and weight 166 at the beginning of September is just find by me.
The point where I do not second guess my physical ability to go on a 2-3 hour hike or go on a bike ride, wearing dresses where I feel sexy and not like I am covering up is where I want to be.

But to make it to June or September, I need to focus on what I am doing right now.

And right now I am distracted. Trying to make sure my sis makes it home for the holidays (darn air canada and their cancelled flights).

I hope everyone is well and has a great winter break!!

Carissa

Sunday part 2

40 mins later.....

Hello lover.

I feel like the past week or so I have been beating my head against the door trying to get in and then suddenly a voice in my head says “turn the door knob silly” and so I do and here I am, standing in the room with a simple twist of my wrist. Well in this case, it is the flick of my feet, but same diff.

Since early December, I’ve been trying to get back into the healthy regime. Usually what happens is, I binge on junk food for the first few days as my meals get healthier and by the time the week is out, I am back to healthy meals, healthy snacks, and regular workouts. This time, it did not happen. You know you exercising is suppose to give you this high, endorphins and all that fun stuff. Well, I felt like I was doing all this work and not getting paid. Just walking clearly was not working for me. And today I ran. And boy did it feel great.

Today’s lesson, running is my lover and that is high I get my high. I cannot express how good I feel. This is what I was trying to get with walking. It is like trying to get off using an oddly shape dildo and then you have so great, real live sex and you think to yourself “whatever were you thinking”.

I know I was afraid to run the past 2 weeks, but clearly I was being an idiot. I was actually resolving myself to this out of shape body and lifestyle; how ridiculous. Now I know, I am as certain as there is a huge pile of snow outside my house (do I need to show you the pics) that my healthy life will be complete in a few short months.

My goals are still to walk 30 mins a day, but to run 3 times a week until 2009 and then run 4 times a week for January and then run 5 times a week from February onwards. There is a 10km race in April I will prepare for.
Body equilibrium – my goal is to reach it by the end of next year. I know I only have 45-60 pounds until I reach that equilibrium, and if I average 2 lbs a week that will take me 23-30 weeks (6-8months) this year I am finishing about 5-10 lbs less than I started. From one perspective, it is goods because I did not gain any this year, on the other hand, it could have been better. So my goal for the future is to average 1.25 lbs a week (5 lbs a month), so I should reach my goal in 9-12 months. If I reach it sooner, great, if I reach it later, great. What matters the most to me is building the habits and changing my lifestyle so that I will be healthy for the rest of my life.

I am so happy and excited right now!!!!!!!!!!!!! I finally feel like I have done it. I have achieved my goals (or that’ll be my post in a few months).

Sunday

I am wondering how my workouts got to be something I could not be “good enough” at. I have this internal voice in my head that keeps suggesting that whatever I do in terms of working out is not good enough. I do not know where this is coming from or why it is still here. I do that I’ve had enough, it needs to leave and let me find my own journey to my body’s equilibrium.

So today I will
- Run
- Walk
- Strength train
- Stretch
- (and it that order).

Last night, I realized that I miss running. Although my stamina might not be where it should be, I need to start running again. And today is the day. I am even getting excited just thinking about it.

This post will be continued later today. And BTW...I am so over the snow. There is a reason why I live on the West Coast.

Ahhhhrghrgh!!

I had a bit of a "where is my life" going days. I finished my last exam on Wednesday (which was yesterday) and already I am wondering if I am a failure because I have no job lined up for January, no volunteer position (I have not volunteered since 2006), etc.
I spend the day at hope, so naturally I spent it in my head OBSESSING and OVER ANALYZING.
So I already felt a little blah. Then I could hear my mother two rooms down from me on the phone and it did not sound good.
Background: my mother, growing up was a bit of a ticking time bomb. Sometimes things would just set her off and when she was mad or angry or whatevs it was like walking on eggshells. 3 years ago something happened, we figured out what was causing this and she has been getting better since. I know this is as vague as possible, but that is all I can comfortably say.

So it turns out she was on the phone with my sis, who lives in another city. Next month we are flying up to go to this event for my sis, b/c it is an important day in her career. So my mother was getting irrational worked up about something, my sis was on speaker phone and all three of us were talking (not arguing). I think my mum is being unreasonable, but I am sooooo not surprise by this reaction to this seemingly insignificant thing that might happen and that is not inherently a bad thing. When the telephone conversation ended, I made a random comment and my mother angrily responded "don't tell me what/how I should feel/act/do" or something along those lines.
Then she started to do her rejection cry. She feels "rejected" and this event has set off the bomb.

The point of this, it is 7:30pm, I am feeling bad/frustrated/demotivated and I don't want to work out. So I gave myself permission not to work out. And than I told myself, “this situation is mild compared to other stressful things that occur in your life. If you skip your walk because of this, how are you going to deal with the real stressful stuff.” So I walked, at a slightly slower pace, but I walked.

I love my mother, but sometimes I wish she was "better" or "normal". I wish I did not have to worry when the next bomb might be or if she will ever get better. If she'll get jealous of my boyfriend or friend (my mum has a problem with my sis friend, lets call her Amy). I think she feels threatened by her. Really, I think she does not like the time my sis spends with her.

One of the things she got upset about. My mum works at a bank and Amy is going to the UK. My sis asks my mum if she(my sis) gives her(my mum) money (we have joint accounts, so getting the money is not hard) if she could buy Amy some British pounds. Context: our mother does things like this for us allll the time b/c she works at a bank. However, this apparently pissed my mother off, having to do a favour for Amy. Sometimes I'm just like whatever; I just have to stand back and watch her anger pass.

Safe to say, I am looking forward to moving in September. Mainly because I feel like when I am at home, I feel like I am a sphere being shoved into a box, and it does not quite fit. I know I have to power and capability to be myself regardless of the situation but given our complex history, when I live at home I have to temporarily put a part of me on the shelf and let dust collect. I am not complaining; if it was really, truly awful I'd leave and move out (regardless of my financial situation) but it is days like this I wonder what our future holds (by our I mean the dynamics between me my mum and sis).

Its no wonder I was an emotional eater (my attempt at a lame joke).

I hope you've enjoyed wading around in my head. Kinda like a labyrinth I know ;)

I have an interview tomorrow!!! Wish me luck!!!!

Background

I am doing this more as an online journal, sharing my experiences and my journey. If no one else reads it, c'est la vie.

So who am I???

I am a 24 year old uni student and it is the night before my last uni exam!!!! I have an open book 1.5 non-cumulative final in law tomorrow, and then my uni degree is done. I am so excited. But this semester was uncharacteristically chaotic.

But really background. In the fall of 2006, I started my Business degree and realized I was totally withdrawn, had little to no friends, dissatisfied with my body and realized my life needed a change.

So that is where Australia came into the picture. After going through an unsuccessful CA (Chartered Accountant) firm recruiting session (no interviews and no co-op job offers) a 12 month job opportunity in Australia came up and I knew this would give me the opportunity to change, or at least make some minor adjustments to my life.

I went, changed, and came back (more on Oz later). One of the things that came out of the trip is I realized how out of shape I was (I sports from grade 1-grade 10) and wanted to do something about it. So I lost about 20-30 lbs (I did not own a scale for during my first few months in Oz).

So I came home in April and was hoping to reach my goal weight by the end of the year. If I maintained a healthy weight loss, it was totally plausible.

Well, it is December and I am still around the same size and weight as when I came back.

As of last Wednesday (Wednesday is my weigh in day) I weighed 203lbs, and my waist/hips were 34.75/46.5. I was thinking about what went "wrong" the past 8 months, why am I still "overweight", "fat", not in bikini shape.

I am happy that my weight will be the same as or a little bit less than how I started out. It would have been better if I was substantially lighter, but since 2002, I have gained weight, so this is pretty awesome!!!

I do have two reasons why I stalled.

1) When I reached a size 14 and viewed myself as “curvy” and not as “fat” I felt I like I made it and started to feel more attractive. I felt this was good enough.
2) When I ran the 8km race in October (in 65 mins) I felt I'd regained my athleticness.

Yes I had a busy last two semesters, but it was not sooo busy that I did not loose ANY weight. I stopped striving for more, had a little bit of success and then sort of gave up or stopped caring.

But here are the things that I know now.

1) I rested on my laurels. I reached a goal and thought it was good enough.
2) I took for granted my new habits and new lifestyle changes.

Where to go from here.

“Perseverance is not a long race, but many short races one after another.” by Walter Elliot.

I need to make a healthy lifestyle a constant, everyday choice. Being a size 6 or weighing 145lbs is not the goal, and if I make that goal, once I reach it I know I’ll feel lost and the weight will come back up. Being healthy, confident, comfortable with who I am, those are my goals. Getting my body to a healthy size is just part of it. In order for this to stick, I need to further resolve my internal conflicts.

So this is the place where I am starting from. I made some progress over the 16 months, I had a few more realizations, and I know exactly were I want to be.

I was reading an article and the the author said the following about optimism.

“I prefer how the Chinese have defined optimism with two related but different words. The first word is more akin to the English definition; it's a naive hope for a better future regardless of the reality of the situation. The second word means looking at the reality of a situation as clearly as possible, and even if it is grim, and still be hopeful and open to possibilities.”

I am not sure how accurate this is, but I like the second definition: understanding the reality but being hopeful of the future.

I am not going to set goals on when I'll reach my goal weight, or get another boyfriend, or whatevs. What I will do is be grateful for where I am right now and always be hopefully for the future.

I am not a religious person, but I sure am I hopefully person. Have a good night everyone and thank you for reading.