reflection

I find myself wondering about myself. Reflecting on my journey. This 189.5 is symbolic of many things. It is a marker on my journey to being. But really you cannot journey to being, but you just have to be. Ok, what I am trying to say is the awareness that I have now is different than the last time I was 189.5 So that leads me into this question.....when was the last time I was 189.5?

2002 - September I was in the 140s
2003 - I was in the 150s
2004 - Fall I was in the 170s at UBC
2005 - Summer, I was in the 190s
2006 -
2007 - In April, before I left, I was about 225-230. That was my highest
2008 - I was in the 190s

So the last time I was in the 180s was early-mid 2005. That means I was 20 years old. That was 4 years ago.

One thing I learned from Jillian is that I being angry with the person that was a few weeks, a few months, a few years ago is futile. Really, that person got me to be here in this moment. What I am learning from Tolle is that this moment is all I have. Holding on to past resentment or anger has no function.

What I can do is surrender to this moment. I've always thought of surrendering as something weak or futile. What purposes does hating my 189.5 body serve? What purposes does believing my life will be magically better at 135 serve? What purposes does hating my 225 body?

I am in this moment. Are you?

Be well!!!!

Growing

I've Jillian's radio show inspirational. Her advice on improving yourself and preserving is helping me with evolve how I think and how I view things. Most of what she says is stuff that I've already heard but, I think its the hearing it over and over again that is helping me to make these habits more unconscious.

And with listening to that and listening to a podcast on Tolle's teachings and with what happened this weekend. I am not the same person I was last year or the year before. I sense that I am stronger and have more confidence in myself and I allow myself to be me (before I did not). And then I was watching Grey's and I heard this....

"It does not matter how tough we are. Trauma always leave a scar. It follows us home, it changes our lives. Trauma messes everybody up. But maybe that's the point. All the pain and the fear and the crap. Maybe going through all that is what keeps us moving forward. Its what pushes us. Maybe we have to get a little messed up before we can step up."
Karev

With what I've heard recently, it seems that we live in a culture where we try to bury, ignore, and medicate the pain, the trauma. The culture does not embrace. The culture doesn't try to understand what can be learned from the ugliest moments. I know for me, I cannot live that way. In order to lead a fulfilling live, I need to feel my emotions (whether good or bad), learn from them, and move on.

I kind of feel like I've gone through my trauma and I am in the stage of my life of stepping up. I am hopeful, optimistic, and I have faith in myself, in the universe, and the unknown.

There are a few things I feel that are calling me. I want to explore them and see if they help me live my best life. One of the podcasts said

"how is life calling me to serve on this planet sharing my unique gifts and
talents?"

So, how IS life calling me to serve on this planet sharing my unique gifts and talents? I will ask this question as often as I can. Life is a journey, not a destination.

I am striving to be my authentic self everyday. I am striving.

Stay well!!!