Loong Time

It has been a while.

I have found the sweet spot. Eating healthier and exercising and listening to my body has been much, much easier.

I listen to primal/paleo ways of eating and listen to what works for me. I still eat my goat cheese and greek yoghurt - and I am fine with it.

Embracing healthy fats (coconut oil, avocado, butter, greek yoghurt) and staying away from non fruit/vegetable source of carbs (breads, carbs, rice, pasta, etc) has made a world of difference.

I am back at 185 but my lifestyle right now flows. I am not fighting with myself, saying no to a cookie is no longer an internal battle. I crave my vegetables.

Keep trying, keep learning, keep plugging holes in your butt. You will get there.

U-Turn

Ok, I've hit my threshold. After using food as punishment, reward, and comfort and slacking off on exercise the past few weeks, I've hit my threshold.

I am going to do a week by week comparison so you can see my journey.

Apr 1 Apr 8 Apr 15 Apr 22 Sep 24/08
Weight: 189.5 191 192 197 191.5
Waist: 32 32.25 32.75 33 33
Belly Button: 36.25 36.5 37.25 38.25 37.75
Hips: 44.75 44.5 44.75 45 44.75

On the 81th and 15th I was not concerned because it was just a few downs. But this week I gained 5 lbs in 1 week. That is enough for me to clearly see what I've been subjecting my body to. I will keep comparing myself to Sept 24/08 until I surpass it again.

I went to a spin class last night to jolt my body back into gear, and it helped. That and watching the biggest loser really helped. Tara's strength and determination is amazing!!!!!!! I am going to get a picture of her and put it on my mirror. Remind myself the strength that everyone of us has.

I was going a bit to extreme, I need to find that moderate balance. I think the new workout schedule and burning 2400 calories a week will work.

1.5lb/wk 185 by June 17
2.0lb/wk 181 by June 17
2.5lb/wk 177 by June 17

Since I am taking it 10lbs at a time (sort of, this goal I am taking it 12 lbs). I am focusing on 185. If I stay with 1.5, I'll be 167-157 by Sept 9th. If I have a few 3 lb weeks and the odd 4 lbs weeks, that is fine. But losing weight while doing CASB is all about patience. This is for the rest of my life.......I can be patient.

Fear took over me. And one of the things I was afraid of was putting weight on but not being able to stop and get back to being healthy. I am not my old me. I am my new me. Acknowledge my feelings and fears, treat my body with respect and embrace the moment.

I need to shower and get to work. Everyone be well!!!

Buddy

I need a buddy. As much as I like this blog, I need someone to respond and I need to listen and learn from.

My previous Jillian buddy went MIA.

A new buddy will come, soon. In time.

Return...

It has been a looooong time.

I have been stressed and then I lost my way for the past few weeks.

With CASB starting in May, I've had to rethink my workouts. In order to handle everything, I need to scale down my workouts. So this is my new workout schedule. To burn 2400 calories

Sun 500 - Swim
Mon 300 - Walk
Tues 300 - Strength
Wed 500 - Walk, Incline
Thurs 300 - Strength
Fri 0
Sat 500 - Tae Bo

I am trying to scale down the intensity in order to manage everything.

And I have put on weight. I am getting on track.

Out

I feel I am getting out of my slump.

I woke up feeling better and I still feel better. My diet is improving but I still need work.

My exercise has slumped. With this week of exams, my goal this week will be to exercise on Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday. And I am just focusing on this week.

And for Jillian's workouts I am going to modify them. Today during studying, I was feeling a bit lethagic and I wanted to get my blood pumping. The treadmill is broken and I did not feel like doing a workout video. So instead I went on a walk. And during my walk, an idea flashed through my thoughts.....how about dancing. I like dancing so I figured I could use that at the end of my workout and it worked. My heart beat was above 150 and got as high as 170. So next time I do Jillian's workouts, I am going to do the workout moves but mixed in with dancing. I will try it tomorrow morning....I'll let you know how it works.

I think this dancing-workout will be the thing to get me through this slump (and this week of exams). Wish me luck!!

Be well!!!

Today's Horoscope

http://www.ediets.com/astrology/
Try to see today's turnaround as a new beginning -- your attitude is all that could possibly hold you back! Once you see that your possibilities are nearly endless, you should be just fine.

Dep.....

I've sunk into a mini-depression. It feels more like a lull than anything. Holidays + studying = mini-dep.

It explains my eating habits the past few days. And it gets perpetuated by the voice in my head!!!!

So best thing to do, ignore that voice.

My goals for this weekend
1) ignore the voice in my head
2) study
3) exercise
4) eat healthy

Solid goals if I do say so myself.

Be well!!

Fear

From this moment, I am honest with myself.

Honestly, I have a fear of being thin and healthy. And I completely acknowledge it. The only way I am going to get through it, is to embrace it. And with that, I just set my alarm for 4:30am and going for an early morning workout. Maybe run, maybe Jillian workout.

And I am eating bread again. I need to eat it in small doses to avoid inhaling in large doses.

No deadlines, no judgement....just me. I accept me, I accept my fear.

Be well!!

My Cooking is Better than Swiss Chalet

So it is official, I am under eating. Over the past week I've had a lot of fast food. It is rooted in the fact that I think I've been under-eating and an emotional part that I had a hard time coping with being in the 180s. I know it s a hard thing to believe, but I think before my identity was tide up in "being obese" in "being the fat girl" and "not being attractive". I've held on to this labels I created for myself, that I've perpetuated.

After having chocolate covered almonds, Dairy Queen (chicken strip basket and a blizzard), Swiss Chalet, etc. I am realizing I need to accept my present moment as is without the labels. Whether I am 189 or 135 I am still be. I can still be present in this moment.

And the bottom line, I am worthy of my best. Are you worthy of your best?

Be well!!!

Panic

In the midst of being in the 180s and meeting up with my future colleagues (which brought up of fears of eating something healthy at supper and some of my old social anxieties).

I engaged in a food binge. My mind created emotional worries which caused me to feel hungrier than I usually am and that manifested into me eating junk food.

I have stilled my mind so as a result my appetite has soothed. I feel good, but still having a timing issue with workouting.

The balance between working out, studying, sleeping, and eating before workouts. I need to accept this dilemma before I can found a solution for it.

I hope all is well. Be well!

reflection

I find myself wondering about myself. Reflecting on my journey. This 189.5 is symbolic of many things. It is a marker on my journey to being. But really you cannot journey to being, but you just have to be. Ok, what I am trying to say is the awareness that I have now is different than the last time I was 189.5 So that leads me into this question.....when was the last time I was 189.5?

2002 - September I was in the 140s
2003 - I was in the 150s
2004 - Fall I was in the 170s at UBC
2005 - Summer, I was in the 190s
2006 -
2007 - In April, before I left, I was about 225-230. That was my highest
2008 - I was in the 190s

So the last time I was in the 180s was early-mid 2005. That means I was 20 years old. That was 4 years ago.

One thing I learned from Jillian is that I being angry with the person that was a few weeks, a few months, a few years ago is futile. Really, that person got me to be here in this moment. What I am learning from Tolle is that this moment is all I have. Holding on to past resentment or anger has no function.

What I can do is surrender to this moment. I've always thought of surrendering as something weak or futile. What purposes does hating my 189.5 body serve? What purposes does believing my life will be magically better at 135 serve? What purposes does hating my 225 body?

I am in this moment. Are you?

Be well!!!!

Happy Face

For the past few days I have not worked out. I have an assignment do this week and instead of getting up early, the past two days I've decided to sleep in instead. I have been stellar about my eating to make sure I stay on the right track.

And today is weigh in day.

Weight: 189.5 (↓ 4 lbs)
Waist: 32 (↓ 0.25 inches)
Belly Button: 36.25 (↓ 0.75 inches)
Hips: 44.75 (↓ 0.25 inches)
Calories burned (total): 1621 2212 (↓ 530 calories)

I am in the 180s!!!!!! I did it!!!!!!!! And now that I am 189.5, I am no longer obese. I am just overweight......just ;) So to get to a healthy weight, I have 30 lbs to go!!!! So that is 15-20 weeks away that is July 15-August 19. That seems tangible and within my grip.

If I was on X-Weighted, this is my half way point and my stats would be
Lost
Bust ↓ 4 inches
Waist ↓ 3.75 inches
Hips ↓ 3.25 inches
Lbs ↓ 24.5 lbs

Not bad, I am at peace with my body right now.

I hope everyone is doing well and striving for their goals!

Stay well!!!!

Chocolate and Health

I am going to post my calories for the past few days, just to keep track

Monday: Burned 2359, Consumed 1113, diff 1246
Tuesday: Burned 2359, consumed 1551, diff 653
Wednesday: burned 1860, consumed 1145, diff 715
Thursday: burned 2374, consumed 1121, diff 1253
Friday: burned 1860, consumed 889, diff 971
Saturday: burned 2410, consumed 1883, diff 527
Sunday: burned 2417, consumed 1396, diff 1022

Some of these numbers are approximate but here it is. I am on a good path for eating 1200 calories a day. I've bumped up my fruits and veggies and that is paying off.

I was watching an episode of X-Weighted and I think we, as a society, are becoming desensitized to what being overweight and obese looks like. The girl was 194, 5'6 which made her obese. I did not think she was obese and she was. And I have been obese for months!!!!!!!!!!!! At 191 I go from being obese to overweight. I am a size 14 and I could find lots of people who would say I look great. I don’t think anyone should look down on people for being overweight, obese, or mobidly obese, but I think we need to get real on what healthy looks like. Before I use to look at people and think “you are so thin” and these were not people who were size 0s or 2s, they were 6s or 8s, but now I look at them and think “you look healthy”. I don’t know what their lifestyle is like, but I think that we need to remember what healthy looks like. It is different for everyone, but healthy is out there for everyone. That’s my rant for the day.

And I hate it when stars go from being obese or overweight to being healthy and people give them crap. For example, when Jennifer Hudson dropped to a healthy size, people side she was selling out. She is a size 10 not a size 2, if hsheid it in a healthy way and she is maintaining a healthy life style, than why the backlash. I understand when actresses go from a size 6 to a size 2 or 0, the image they can be portraying in the media, but we need to remember that our lives are very different than theirs. And so are our bodies.

Either way, whether a size 2, 10, 18, or 26 we should celebrate who people and if they are get healthy, than great.

Just something to think about. Say well!!!

Growing

I've Jillian's radio show inspirational. Her advice on improving yourself and preserving is helping me with evolve how I think and how I view things. Most of what she says is stuff that I've already heard but, I think its the hearing it over and over again that is helping me to make these habits more unconscious.

And with listening to that and listening to a podcast on Tolle's teachings and with what happened this weekend. I am not the same person I was last year or the year before. I sense that I am stronger and have more confidence in myself and I allow myself to be me (before I did not). And then I was watching Grey's and I heard this....

"It does not matter how tough we are. Trauma always leave a scar. It follows us home, it changes our lives. Trauma messes everybody up. But maybe that's the point. All the pain and the fear and the crap. Maybe going through all that is what keeps us moving forward. Its what pushes us. Maybe we have to get a little messed up before we can step up."
Karev

With what I've heard recently, it seems that we live in a culture where we try to bury, ignore, and medicate the pain, the trauma. The culture does not embrace. The culture doesn't try to understand what can be learned from the ugliest moments. I know for me, I cannot live that way. In order to lead a fulfilling live, I need to feel my emotions (whether good or bad), learn from them, and move on.

I kind of feel like I've gone through my trauma and I am in the stage of my life of stepping up. I am hopeful, optimistic, and I have faith in myself, in the universe, and the unknown.

There are a few things I feel that are calling me. I want to explore them and see if they help me live my best life. One of the podcasts said

"how is life calling me to serve on this planet sharing my unique gifts and
talents?"

So, how IS life calling me to serve on this planet sharing my unique gifts and talents? I will ask this question as often as I can. Life is a journey, not a destination.

I am striving to be my authentic self everyday. I am striving.

Stay well!!!

New Eyes

This evening I decided to try on clothes because things felt different. I pulled out two slim size 14s and two size 12s. And I could get into all of them and do the zipper up on 3 of them. And one of them (my pink cords I bought on my 19th birthday) I've tried and tried and tried to fit into them. I can do them up (they show a lot of stuff) but I don't have a muffin top!!!!!

I also noticed today how much easier it is to move my body around. Yeah I put on a pound, but damn I am enjoying the changes in my body.

I am so happy and grateful for my healthy body!!

Stay well!!!

Free Veggies

Jillian keeps talking about free foods: foods that burn more calories digesting it than it has. So I did my research to find out exactly what she was talking about.

from http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=56936

http://ask.yahoo.com/20040107.html
According to this website, the negative (or I guess null) calories do exist
-broccoli, cauliflower, spinach,

I've read a few more sites, so basically the calories it takes for your body to digest said food is equal to or greater than the calories in the food.

So basically, what it means for me. If I am hungry, spinach, lettuce, broccoli, cauliflower, etc are free game. I can consume without any consequence.


And then it got me thinking about the morning and lemon thing. So I did some research.

http://letusthankhimforourfood.blogspot.com/2008/10/warm-lemon-water-in-morning.html
"Break your fast as gently as possible-with a tablespoon of lemon or lime juice in a cup of warm water. Both of these juices, as well as vinegar, fit into the category of acidic foods that are known to lower glucose levels.
"The lemon juice in warm water needs only 15 minutes to work its magic. Warm water facilitates digestion."

12 weeks

Weight: 193.5 (↓ 0.5 lbs)
Waist: 32.25 (↓ 0.25 inches)
Belly Button: 37 (↓ 0.25 inches)
Hips: 45 (↑ .25 inches)
Calories burned (total): 2212 (↓ 530 calories)

So 12 weeks in a row I have lost weight. Not too shabby. And I am ecstatic that it is only 0.5 lb I've lost!! On Sunday, I weighed myself and I was at 197 so after what I put my body through this weekend, I am pleased. I definitely had some water retention going on. I will definitely not make 188 by April 1st, but if I'm lucky, I MIGHT by in the 180s by next week, if not by the following week. 2 weeks until 180, oh yeah!!!!

If I average 2 lbs a week I'll be 169 by graduation. That seems so surreal and an absolute reality for me. To walk across the stage at 169 with of the 6 years of uni I've spent the majority of it well above that weight!!!!

I am still quite glad that 3 days of binging only resulted in a 0.5 lb loss. Okay, time to get ready for work.

Salad and Tara

I love salads and Tara is amazing!

First, the salad. I came home from work today a bit tired and made myself a delicious and simple salad. Red leaf lettuce, spinach, radishes, bell peppers, and cucumbers, and grape tomatoes. No dressing, no meat, no seeds, no nuts. I had it with my sweet potato gnocchi, and that is the perfectest and deliciousest supper. I just feel so good after eating a salad. Yummy and delicious.

Now, I rebelled and went out for lunch. I thought I made some good choices until I calculated everything. A total of 780 calories!!! First and last time!!!!

I watched the first hour of the BL and Tara is absolutely amazing. The amount of drive and strength she has is amazing. I know she'll lose the most. Watching her inspires me and reminds me what I am here for and to step it up.

But I have studying to do. So the plan tonight is to study from 7:30pm-8:30pm, workout from 8:30pm-9:30pm and study from 9:30pm-11pm. No workouts tomorrow, so lots of studying then. Two quizzes in one week!!! Ahahaha!!!!!!

I am going into tomorrow's weigh in humbled. I know that that type of stress happens very infrequently, but it still shows me I need to work on my recovery plan. I am back on track, so I know the next few weeks will be very successful.

My goal this week. Calories: 1100-1300. Saturday is an exception and I will increase my cardio to create a nice deficit, but being diligent about my foods is what I'll do to get into the 180s. When was the last time I was in the 180s.....hmmmmmm...good question. I'll think about it and get back to you. At UBC I was about 175 and that is 2004. End of 2004, early 2005 was the last time I was in the 180s. That was 4 years ago. And that milestone is 2-3 weeks away. WOW. That is getting me excited. First studying, then exercising.

Its all about the bigger (or should I say smaller ;) ) pics ladies and gents.

Stay well!!!!!

Back

I am feeling back up to sorts. After my weekend bender of fast food, I started to come out of it today. I made sure to sleep in and help my body recover from the stress (and food).

I had my usual breakfast, brought with me a healthy and warm lunch. I knew that listening to Jillian's podcasts would help turn my mood around (she is very inspirational). That plus eating healthy, and exercising helped turn my mood from a 3/10 to a 6/10. I still have a ways to go, but I am heading there on a healthy path.

I had a successful caloric day today. I burned 2359 and consumed 1113. I think that is the least amount I've consumed in a long time. I have a nice deficit of at least 1200. My hope for this weigh in is to break even, or if I am very very luck to be down 0.5 lbs. If my scale did 0.25lb increments, I'd be hoping for 0.25lbs. I just hope I am still on the losing streak. I've turned around quicker than I've anticipated, but I definitely need to work my butt off the make up for this week.

My plan is to stay healthy when an emotional roller coaster heads my way. Now I just need some detail action steps. 1) For whatever unhealthy food I want to eat, get it at the grocery store. it'll be cheaper and superstore tends to have a healthier version of it. I think that alone will cut my calorie intake in half.

I don't think I am at the stage where I am able to glide through an emotional blow without overeating, so I should strive to minimize the casualties.

Stay well!!!!

Stressful Weekend

I had to take someone to the hospital on Friday. Dealing with this is one of the more stressful things in my life. I made some conscious choices eat some unhealthy things on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. I kept up with workouts and now I am back on schedule. Not sure if this week will result in a successful weight loss, but I'll try.

Stay well.